the day of love

Valentine's Day.

Here you are again.

Oh boy.

This holiday and I have always seemed to have a bit of a strained, but funny, complex, yet simple, and all the while a slightly bitter relationship. It's really not my fault entirely that this holiday and I have been on the fritz for most of my years now. 

Perhaps it's because the holiday revolves around pastel pinks & sassy reds while I am much more of a deep green & autumnal yellow girl. Or maybe it's because I secretly think roses are drab little flowers. But, honestly if I could place the blame anywhere {and I'm about to} I would put it, one-hundred percent, twenty absolutely's, and a service full of hallelujahs on:

High School.

It was the high school  l o v e  that I was not about. The awkward hand-holding, the carnation giving, the boxes of chocolate, and don't get me going about those little stuffed teddy bears. Barf. 

In high school.

On Valentine's Day

this girl wore 

black.

Yes black.

From head to toe.

I like to fancy this young push back against society as my earliest flirtations with my feminist awakening ... {wink. wink. elbow. elbow}

And while I would hate to limit and dismiss any rumblings of political engagement, I think there was something much simpler that I saw missing in my high school environment.

l o v e

for

oneself.

It might sound silly,

But I believe this is some of the hardest work of all.

Sometimes I need small reminders.

To choose myself.

To love the quirks.

The failures.

The aspiration.

To accept myself right now

just as I are ...

even without the list of New Years Resolutions.

It's hard work.

Hard, hard work.

Easier for some than others.

But it's our work

And it's good work

And that my friends ...

That is  l o v e. 

Sending you all my  l o v e  today.

From this girl,

who this year is wearing pink!!

- n.

{actually, no no. I couldn't do it. I can still celebrate and wear green. I can!}

Happy Valentine's Day.

find your feet.

it might not feel normal

to be discussing new year 

dreams and resolutions 

in the orangey middle of

october.

so please if you can offer a bit

of forgiveness to this soul...

because i am....

that is, dwelling on 

some particular thoughts and hopes

i held a mere ten months

ago.

one of which was to sit on a 

beach

{in Thailand}

with my feet dug into the sand

feeling the cold tingling 

smoothness

only the insides of beaches

can offer.

to sit on this beach

all day.

to watch sunrise

and sunset.

that was my promise to myself.

the purpose?

to be still and watch the world's

movement.

for just one day.

to appreciate the cycle.

to lay on my back

and if i was very quiet 
and still,

to see  if i could feel

the world's turning.

maybe it's a silly idea.

but then...

it seemed important.

a gift i would give myself.

but here ten months later

instead of standing on the 

beaches of Thailand,

i found myself instead meandering 

amongst the rocks

of the North Shore.

and while there was

no tingling and coolness of the sand,

the earth was still doing its thing.

the sun still greeting and giving.

the moon still brightening and beckoning.

i couldn't help wondering 

about that promise i made to myself

more than 300 days past.

sometimes choices are made that

change all foreseen plans.

sometimes choices are made that

usurp the life you knew.

but when the dust settles if you look

down

you will find your feet.

your trusty feet.

who have carried you

faithfully this far

and won't abandon you yet.

even if you find yourself

standing someplace

you would 

have never imagined.

so just stand on them.

and wait.

the sun will come.

the world will turn.

and the moon with keep you

company.

wherever you find yourself.
whether in Thailand
the North Shore
the office
or the living room.
here's to standing.




- n.